Travelin' By Faith - Denying the cross, all those years...

Travelin’ by Faith – 2011

As I am driving through Canada one early March morning in the province of Alberta, reflecting on all that I have experienced with God while out here on the road, He reminds me of something.

I remembered a story from several years ago when I was sad and depressed about my past life, my present life and where I was going in the future. I had not been walking with God for very long but He had sure been walking with me. I told Calvin I had so much going on in my head that I just had to find a way to deal with it, to be free from it so I could get on with my life. I went for a drive. This was before we started driving for FedEx. I took off on I-20 heading west and said to myself “I’m just going to drive until I am free from all of this “stuff” that burdens me so.” By the time I got to Birmingham I realized I could drive all the way to California and back and still not get rid of it all, and besides, where was I going to dump it? I laughed at how funny this was. I turned around and went back home. Little did I know, God had a plan for helping me find my way to a place where I could get rid of it all, a place where I could “dump it.” How prophetic this scene becomes! Maybe not one trip to California and back would do it, but perhaps many trips would do it. God knows FedEx is in my future.

Back to driving in Canada…As I am driving and having a conversation with God I look down at the GPS map to see where we are and for my next move. At this point we are heading north but we are about to exit onto another highway and head west to our delivery. I see that on our current course we are heading to Calgary, except in my mind’s eye I see it reads Calvary. This sure gets my attention. I start to wonder and God starts to speak.

I learned that when I accepted Jesus as Lord of my life and was baptized, I had not yet made my personal journey to Calvary. I was only twelve for goodness sakes. At the point of baptism, I had let God know I believed Jesus was His Son and I accepted Jesus as Lord of my life but I didn’t allow Him to BE Lord of my life. I was. God revealed to me that I may have believed that Jesus is His Son and that He died for my sins but I wasn’t following Him. Accepting Jesus as my Savior and being baptized was the beginning of my journey. Unfortunately, I took a detour. From the time I was baptized until I began seeking Him eleven years ago I had been denying the cross. I hadn’t followed Jesus at all. All along He wanted to be Lord of my life so He could show me the way to calvary. He wanted me to follow Him to the cross, my cross. He had a personal message to give me.

Still driving in Canada I veer off to head west away from Calgary, but I’m still thinking Calvary. I wonder to God, “WOW, how many of us veer off and never make it to Calvary.” I keep driving and see two billboards within minutes of each other advertising “visitcalgary.com.” Again in my mind’s eye I see “visitcalvary.com.” Well, then I begin to wonder again to God “how many people only visit Calvary, you know – drive by for a quick look, grab a brochure or in my case walk up to the altar acknowledge what Jesus did, say I believe, say thanks and then keep on going their own way? What does it mean to come to Calvary? AND stay? What is Calvary suppose to look like to me?

After we make our delivery and we are heading to Spokane, WA, Calvin and I both see a sign on the side of the road that reads “Disciples Way.” We both look at each other but don’t say a word. I think the look in our eyes said it all. I begin to think to myself and ask God “what is the disciple’s way?” God reminds me of His scripture in Luke 9:23. “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. “ Deny self, hum…what exactly does it mean to deny ourselves? We certainly have Jesus’ life as the perfect example of what it means to deny self. But how many of us really do this? I knew I hadn't. How many of us are inadvertently denying the cross instead of denying ourselves? How can we pick up our cross if we haven’t made it to where our cross is - Calvary? Luke 9:24 tell us “For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it.” How many of us can say we have lost our lives to follow Jesus? I think it’s a serious question to ask.

By God’s amazing grace through His Son Jesus Christ I have made it to Calvary, to the cross, my own personal journey. It was a painful journey. It has taken me eleven years to get here. Truth be told I guess I’ve been on the journey all my life. I had to come to the end of myself (deny myself) before I could finally see the signs showing me the way to Calvary, or more accurately before I even wanted to see the signs showing me the way to Calvary. I mean who wants to face themselves let alone face Jesus?

I always knew God had forgiven me for my sins yet my heart was still in prison because I held onto the guilt of my sins. I thought hanging onto the guilt was my due punishment. God gently reminded me Jesus took the punishment not only for my sins but also for the guilt of my sins. He let me know hanging onto the guilt meant denying the cross/denying all that Jesus did for me. It meant I had not yet made it all the way to Calvary or that I came for a visit but didn’t stay. (didn’t stay long enough to pick up my cross) I had not yet found complete freedom in Jesus Christ.

We all hear throughout our lives that Jesus died for our sins and to me it always seemed such a generalized, corporate statement – “we’re all sinners in need of a Savior.” It was as if we were all one big group of sinners with no individual accountability. By being part of a group “we’re all sinners” I had, even though inadvertently, avoided facing Jesus as an individual. It was in my personal journey in seeking to know Jesus that I came to the end of myself (denying myself) and found Jesus hanging on the cross, my cross. His arms were spread wide to show me “THIS” is how much God loves me! The message He had for me was “Donna, I forgive you.”

Earlier I had written some questions I had asked God about Calvary. What does it mean to come to Calvary? For me, it meant I finally found my way to Jesus. It meant I came face to face with Him all alone just me and Him. Coming face to face with Him as an individual and not part of a group was the only way He could show me MY sins. It was the only way He could show me what He had done for me. It was the only way I could fully grasp what happened the day Jesus died on the cross. It was the only way I could make my relationship with Him personal. It was the only way He could express to me how much God loves me. It was the only way I could be free. It was a long, painful journey. At times it was very humbling, humiliating, embarrassing and shameful. It was hard work but oh so worth it. It was the only way.

I haven’t been here at Calvary long enough to answer what it will mean to stay. Jesus tells me it will mean denying self and picking up my cross daily and abiding in Him but what that will look like in my life is yet to be told. The full meaning of abide is to wait for, to endure without yielding, to bear patiently, to accept without objection and remain stable. This is exactly what I will do – abide. What does Calvary look like? Not sure I can answer that in detail that would do it justice just yet, but I can tell you from where I’m standing right now, looking back is no longer an option. I’m here to stay until He moves me.

Deuteronomy 4:29 tells us we will find God if we search for Him with all our heart and soul. I read the bible, God’s written word, for the sole purpose of getting to know this person that everyone kept telling me had died for me. I wanted to know Him for myself. I didn’t want to know the Jesus anyone else knew. I wanted to know Him personally. I met Him face to face on the cross at Calvary, my cross. How could I not love Him and not give my life to Him?

As I finish typing the first draft of this blog, Japan has been hit with an 8.9 earthquake which spawned a deadly tsunami. All I can think about is how many people never made it to Calvary or just dropped by for a visit and didn’t stay? How many thought they made it to Calvary but never did?

I believe it is important for us all to ask ourselves or better yet ask God, have I really made it all the way to Calvary or did I veer off to soon? Or ask God, did I just go for a visit? Did I walk up to the altar, “grab a brochure” and say thanks and keep heading my own way, down my own path? Am I carrying my cross? These are questions worth exploring. It is time well spent. It’s our own personal journey. A journey to freedom.

“I serve a risen Savior, He’s in the world today. I know that He is living whatever men may say. I see His hand of mercy, I hear His voice of cheer, and just the time I need Him, He’s always near.
He lives! He lives! Christ Jesus lives today! He walks with me and talks with me along life’s narrow way. He lives, He lives, salvation to impart. You ask me how I know He lives? He lives within my heart!”